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| Monday, December 12th, 2005 | | 5:33 am |
| | Saturday, December 10th, 2005 | | 7:34 am |
Deal.
Whats the harshest realization you'll ever come to? The one you come to time and time again, but can never accept. That sometimes you just have to stop. That you don't know how to stop. That things you assume, that you take for granted, that keep you afloat, just aren't true. Look at the pictures you have. All the happy pictures. That moment is gone. That moment isn't coming back. That thing? It won't happen. If it was going to, it probably would have by now, yes? What do you even know about yourself? If you were the person you thought you were, if you truly want what you say you do, than why are you acting the way you do? Why are you feeling the way you do? | | Monday, October 31st, 2005 | | 3:05 am |
Halloween.
Known for costumes and such. You know, I remember Halloween costumes being less cool. And more impressive. Not mine... ever, but you know, other ones. My costumes tended to suck... Like, when I was around 6 or so, and decided I wanted to be Spider-Man. We were poor at the time, and my mom was like, well... I can make you a costume. So... my costume was thermals. Bottoms dyed blue, top dyed red. And face paint. My spidey sense was tingling before I ever left that door. The next year, I was Link. She actually bought me the costume, that year, but it was the typical costume of the time. All plastic, the mask, the string which yanked your hair out by the roots, the trash bag you wore, with the design on it. My main complaint was that I had no sword, and Link did not, in fact, have a picture of himself fighting a skeleton on his chest. I gotta pee. | | Friday, October 28th, 2005 | | 8:47 am |
Death.
So, I just stayed an hour and a half after my shift ended. Off the clock. Getting the store looking good for the inspection. All the while, the two people actually on the clock, stood. And sat. Watching me. I mopped for like, the third time during that night. Redid the coffee bar, after the rush. Pushed the dumpster into its proper position with my car. Cleaned the bathroom. And windows. And the door. And swept the parking lot. All in addition to a night in which I wasn't particularly slacking. Their time was spent bitching. About me. And how I didn't care about how the store looked for the inspection. They'd shut the hell up, and look slightly chastized, realizing I was still there, and at no ones request. Than start again. Aside from one of them refilling a couple of coffee pots when she first got there, which took her 15 minutes, neither did anything until I was leaving, at which time it took both of them to put a couple more big gulp cups in. And they complained about how I didn't do that. These weren't managers, or anything like that. Just some stupid, stupid girls. | | Sunday, October 16th, 2005 | | 5:38 am |
So...
I've started writing again. Done a few chapters of a book... I don't think anyone ever will like it... See, every chapter or so, I completely shift... everything. The characters remain the same, and whats happened so far, but they both change slightly to fit the new setting... New country, new time frame, that sort of thing. I don't really have any explanation why, and I don't think ones coming. I'll probably start over on the story when I decide what setting is best for it. | | Saturday, October 15th, 2005 | | 9:13 pm |
Bore-dom.
I think I might leave after the lease here is up. Just kind of wander around and live in my car for a couple months. I don't really feel that I have anything keeping me here. Hmm... this was going to be longer, but Ryan just showed up. | | 1:12 am |
I ate some popcorn earlier.
I have a gash across my arm. I don't know where it came from. Sometimes girls tell me that they are in love with Jesus. I don't think He puts out. I either broke a finger or tore a tendon or... something. Its hurt for about 6 months, and isn't double jointed-y anymore. I want to be playing cards right now. Who the hell that reads this lives in KC? I've had the last three days off. Its boring. Hmm... someone knocked over an ashtray. I should clean that up. But I'm not gonna. It wasn't me. You know, most night people around here are stupid. What the hell? Thats lame. It leaves me with little to do after my other friends have gone to sleep. | | Saturday, October 8th, 2005 | | 7:43 pm |
| | Thursday, October 6th, 2005 | | 5:05 am |
Hmm...
Annoyance. My life tends to be about goals, working towards them and such. Right now, I can't really name any. Aside from, you know, the ones that will take awhile, like getting through college and being a teacher, that sort of thing. I know theres something I want more... now, but I don't know what it is. I'm usually very good at knowing what I want. Right now? Not a clue. I don't like it. | | Tuesday, October 4th, 2005 | | 9:13 am |
I am concerned.
I feel kind of like a did right before I had to go to the hospital for a week. With coughing up things, and not being able to breathe. And Rachel said I looked pale last night... for Rachel to say something, I'm probably pretty damned pale, and that means lack of oxygen. Meh. And now, a song. sometimes i think this cycle never ends we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse. but if i move my place in line i'll lose. and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued. i am waiting for something to go wrong. i am waiting for familiar resolve. sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect the twists and turns of plots that took us from lovers to friends i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself but if i move my place in line i'll lose. and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued. i am waiting for something to wrong i am waiting for familiar resolve i am waiting for another repeat another diet fed by crippling defeat and i am waiting for that sense of relief i am waiting for you to flee the scene as if you held in your hand the smoking gun and on the floor lay the one you said you loved. and it's strange they are basically the same so i don't ask names anymore. sometimes i think this cycle never ends we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse. the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse (x2) 3 points if you can name the band, 5 if you can name the song. | | 1:55 am |
Time for name that show!
Zombie rock stars are going crazy on the set, token black cop with shotgun starts taking them out, and Kurt Cobain wrests the shotgun away, to blow his own head off again. | | Tuesday, September 27th, 2005 | | 9:08 am |
Running... out... of things to do...
See, I have to stay up awhile longer, because I go to work at 11pm tonight. So, my sleep must be somewhat close to that. Because working nights is boring on a stick, and I will fall asleep or something otherwise. Hmm... this chick I work with, whom I forget whether or not I've mentioned has been annoying me of late. But she got fired. Immediately after telling the boss, who I'm cool with, that I'm a slacker. I like that. Kind of went, oh, now I know your the one full of shit, because her and some other girl had been having sort of a tattle on eachother to the boss war. Robot chicken is funny. Rachel and I had an argument last night. I must be a dick, because all of the ones that I feel went well seem to involve her crying. I just broke my glasses. Fuck. Now I might have to motivate myself to go get them fixed today. I don't wanna. Ah, well, its not like I've been wearing anything but contacts in like... a long ass time. Except for when I trick myself, and go to bed, and than get out, and don't want to put them in again. Why are you still reading this? I know why. Its because you have to. Its all part of my plan. See... while you keep occupied here, I'm stealing your wallet. You look like a dork in your drivers license photo. | | 5:00 am |
Alright... I have to nitpick.
I'm like, halfway through the first season of Lost. So far, they've found like, two places where fresh water is available... and they hang out there, all the damned time. And never, ever run into the mysterious, huge predators established to be on the island. It bugs me. That is all. | | Monday, September 26th, 2005 | | 8:14 am |
I'm a loser.
I downloaded some Rooney. Because the OC told me to. Its pretty good, since, you know, Weezer sucks now. Since Rivers feelings were hurt by no one buying Pinkerton. | | 12:47 am |
Woo-hoo!
Sleep and I are once again sweet, sweet lovers. Last night, I spent 15 and a half hours in its sweet, sweet embrace. Oh yes, Oh, yes. | | Saturday, September 24th, 2005 | | 6:24 am |
I'm pissed off.
Sleep hates me. I've pissed off the god of dreams. I haven't remembered any in the past week, but they have to be fucked up. I cannot sleep more than 2 and a half hours straight. If I'm lucky. Than I get up... wander around in a daze. Sometimes I sleep again, for some similar amount of time, after an hour or so. Sometimes not. A week of this. Anger. Suck. | | Tuesday, September 20th, 2005 | | 8:03 am |
Now I'm smoking.
Damn you, insomnia. Damn you thrice. So... I guess I'm just gonna chain smoke. I don't know anyone up at this hour. They will find my body. They will say, "My goodness, this man has no lungs, merely two small black holes in his chest." And than, they will scream, as they are sucked into the infinite density that is two small black holes. So... yeah, whos with me on that? Enough people do it, we could cause a nationwide panic about the epidemic of small black holes. | | 5:08 am |
I'm listening to music.
I just burned some Mi6... I bought it once. I tried to buy it twice, even, but damnable Barnes and Noble employees sold the copy that I ordered. 'Twas unfortunate, and irritating. Now I'm listening to the Verve Pipe. Reminds me of a girl I lusted after in high school. Which was an odd thing. She was only moderately attractive, much less so than most of the girls who lusted after me, whom, asshole at the time I was, I would mess around with, never develop an attraction to, and stop calling. Sounds like this post is a freewriting one. Hmm... I've seen the first two episodes of a couple of series that I'll probably end up catching all up to present on, Lost, and the OC. Make your jokes. I would, if... you know, I wasn't watching. Hell, in the case of the OC, I have made the jokes. Yhey are quite good, so far, if in part because I have respect for shows that don't bother being episodic in nature. Works been irritating, of late. I, at the very least, dislike everyone I work with now. Very oddly, the only two people there I have nothing against are the two managers, who I actually quite enjoy talking to. Alas, though, I never work with them. Of a certainty, this will be the only job I will ever have that I will lament the lack of beibg there with the boss-folk. For the past couple of weeks, I've been spending tons of time with Rachel. Sort of the psuedo-dating arrangement that we sometimes get into. Thats over now, she has an actual boyfriend. No problems between us about it, he seems alright. Hmm... my kitty has been irritating the living fuck out of me the past couple of nights. Theres a possibility she may have gotten into someones mushrooms, or something, I'm thinking, because she waits for me to try to go to sleep. Than goes fucking batshit. I have never known a cat to attack walls before now, but no... No, no. She does it for like, oh... a goddamn hour. In my room. If I shut the door, she scratches at it tenaciously. If I stomp on her small kitten head, and kill her, in my enraged, sleepless state, she becomes a zombie kitten. And eats my brains. This happens after just enough quiet for me to fall asleep, so I put up no defense. Oh, and I shot your best friend, from first grade. Yeah, thats right. I'm a jerk. | | Wednesday, September 14th, 2005 | | 7:24 am |
My gas station is cursed.
Yesterday, at work, the underground gas containers decided they were unhappy, and rose up in rebellion. Out of the ground. Randomly. There will be no gas available there for like, a month, | | Wednesday, September 7th, 2005 | | 3:11 am |
Starring more words than my last post... my new post.
Because I know you have to be on the edge of your seat, I'll talk about everything you've missed. Lets see... I was dying for about 4 days, until I finally went to the hospital last Saturday night. Like, to the extent that at work at one point I fell over. So, when I went in, I was put in ICU. I was stuck there for a few days. The first night was the creepiest... ICU was essentially a hallway, with beds in it, and curtains. I was right next to the nurse station. The lady in the bed next to mine that night was, to the best I could tell, in the hospital because her orgasm wouldn't stop. I had a hard time falling asleep that night. Well... every night, really, but that one in particular. In the course of my visit, I had 3 x-rays and a CAT scan. The scan was lame. I did not like the feel of ink flowing through my veins. Thankfully, those tests, plus the 400 or so blood tests I had showed that I probably had pnuemonia. Of some kind. The term the specialist used was "weird". Further questions revealed that it could be viral or bacterial in nature, possibly, and that I have no STDs or cancer. But I do have a chronic mass in my upper left lung that they think was/is going away. Not totally 100 percent on what it was/is. I had many visitors, that was nice. Mother, father, grandparents came in like, every day, and Rachel came in a lot. It helped me not go insane. After the first couple of days, my urge to kill would go off for no apparant reason sometimes. I stopped getting more and more angry around the time they started letting me shower. So, than I got out. That was a couple of days ago. I'm being slow about getting back into the swing of things, I guess. Yesterday, the entire day was spent simply enjoying the day. I went to Worlds of Fun, and saw a penguin movie, which was excellent. Go see the penguin movie. Today, I have been hobbling around, because my legs did not like going from being in bed for a week straight to walking around all day. Cleaning. Hanging out. Actually just got back in from hanging out with people. Who are still here, so I'll stop being rude, and get off here. |
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